For seven years, I lived about twenty minutes away from a major airport. This proved close enough to hear airplanes over my apartment every so often and not spend too much if I needed to use Lyft.

I used Lyft a lot when it came to airport travel. If my means of transport involved flying, I became a lazy bunny when it came to things like parking and not driving when on vacation or other trips.

I thought about this as I headed to the Burlington Airport Park and Wash, roughly an hour’s drive from my apartment. Vermont is not a large state, one of the smallest by square miles. That said, a trip to the airport or Michaels could take an hour depending on your proximity to the interstate. We don’t have billboards or many highways. Both of these are great, but you have to plan sometimes.

I joke that essentials are in walking distance, but some entertainment and retail shopping can be an hour away. Route 7, a state highway, proved invaluable.

I remember this as I pull up to my airport parking of choice. Burlington Airport Park and Wash was recommended by colleagues, and as the name suggests, you park in a lot and get your car washed while on your trip. There are a variety of services in that vein, but I get the basic package and hop the shuttle to the airport. It’s genius by way of convenience, better prices than airport parking and best of all, coming back to a clean car.

I’m grateful that there were no delays, turbulence or airline related nonsense travelling to Chicago. Landing in Chicago and the return trip had a few hiccups. On the return flight, I had a delay. When I land in Detroit for my layover, I had to run to make the flight back to Vermont. Good thing I was alone.

I’m able to find a taxi to my hotel, enter the address and the driver gets pissy with me and tells me to chill when he misses the street to the hotel entrance and I try to say something about it. After some dirty looks and turns, I get there later in the evening. Thankfully, checking in was easy. I find my room, and test the keys, locks and the like before sorting clothes, charging my phone and looking at Google maps for food. I run into B-Fest attendees Melissa, Kelvin and Noel and it was time for walking distance Asian food, and pretty good cuisine at that. The place was small with trendy decor and great vegetarian options.

Not to long before the trip, I had a physical with blood tests. One came back as iron deficient/anemic or the vegetarian got sloppy. I’ve been taking supplements, but this couldn’t be a trip riddled with cheesecake, candy, soda and pizza just because this is a 24 hour film fest.

Spinach, broccoli and later dried apricots ruled the roost, even when the group ventured to the Omega diner. If it wasn’t spinach/vegetable omelettes, it was pasta primavera. Fest snacks involved caffinated beverages, dried apricots and dark chocolate almonds. I could almost feel my hair getting thicker.

The fest ran from Friday to Saturday evening. Everyone arrives from various parts of the country as early as that Monday. I arrive Wednesday evening. Either way, folks group off to tour the Chicago area prior to the fest. I had the privilege of touring Wheaton, Illinois, home to First Division Museum at Cantigny which had an outdoor tank park with tanks one could climb in addition to exhibits dedicated to military history. We also visited DuPage County Historical Museum and their extensive train sets. The Meyer Science Center at Wheaton College also had pretty cool geology exhibits as well as a giant mammoth.

I have to say that The Little Popcorn Store was something else. The shop is a single aisle and only a few customers are allowed to browse at a time. I got a few things for myself as well as gifts.

Our traditional Thursday Night outing to the Hala Kahiki bar, one of my favorite spots due to decor alone, was cancelled due to maintenance and repair, I think it was. I wasn’t planning on getting sloshed, but part of the outing involved dressing up, and in the most outlandish suit one could find. Mind you, Tim is a gifted thrifter and plays into the lounge lizard persona to great effect. I had a long leopard print dress, and it packed more easily than my original more post punk idea involving a button festooned blazer. Always next time… Nevertheless, we had a more casually dressed outing where we could rent out a room for karaoke. Our musical tastes vary in some spots, but it turned into an impromptu Talking Heads tribute night.

If I have my way, my retirement home years will have a lot of karaoke. Gen X and millenial retirement, should we get to retire, will be lit. Lit, I tell you.

Friday arrives and we start to pack up, making sure we have pillows, snacks and other essentials. This also involved a knitting project, something that could fit in an overnight bag. We get to Northwestern University, check in and find our seats, which like the movie lineup can and does change in the span of 24 hours.

There were a few changes to the lineup, but I’ll give a run down of the movies I was awake for. I slept through fest standards Wizard of Speed and Time, Plan 9 from Outer Space and part of Elves.

Deathstalker II

I play Dungeons and Dragons. I often knit during Dungeons and Dragons. In this case I discover that a dice bag with sock yarn and thin double pointed needles was only a good project idea in theory, but try to mush on anyway. I wonder if this kind of thinking went into the making of this movie. The set sure looked like something out of an elaborate D and D board. You can see some rubber foam. The dialogue likely came from a campaign. I can see how this would feature at B-Fest, or a general bad movie night, and I don’t believe the sponsor of the movie intended anything bad, but for it to be seen as shlocky, not to be taken seriously. You certainly can’t take this seriously. That said you could see the sexist themes, violence against women, gratuitous sex-all the crap that makes women tabletop RPG gamers want to vet prospective gaming groups. I identified with the role of wrestler Queen Kong. After about an hour of the hero’s nonsense, he needed a can of sword and sorcery whoop ass and should have gotten more. As the credits roll, I’m shaking my head. I turn to Melissa who immediately says, “Queen Kong forever.” Yes.

Ticks

Seth Green has a bit of a bad movie resume, not unlike the horror credits of a pre Law and Order Michael Moriarty. I’ve seen Arcade and Airborne at previous fests, so I figured Ticks would prove funny if nothing else. I was pleased that Alfonso Ribeiro was also in the movie playing a tough foil to Green, playing a traumatized kid phobic about being alone in the woods after being left alone by his drunk father. Said father dropped in highway underpass by his dad intending to send him away to a camp in the woods for at risk youth. Woodland camp nonsense aside, our cannon fodder is also subject to ticks that go from being annoying to deadly due to steroid enhanced pot grown by a significantly older man that creeped on teenage girls at the camp. I couldn’t have been the only one glad to see the ticks get him. Not too bad for a direct to video, but Ribeiro’s character should have lived through it.

Voyage of the Rock Aliens

It’s not required to have a Pia Zadora vehicle at a B-Fest, but depending on your tastes, it can’t hurt. It wasn’t like the fest was interspersed with random episodes of Cop Rock, and I am not at all suggesting they do so. It had aliens, small town rockabillyish toughs, a hilariously incompetent (and a little creepy) sheriff and police, chainsaws, serial killers and Pia seeking stardom and the freedom to sing that her gang leader boyfriend forbids, but nurtured by an alien visitor love interest as everyone breaks into song. There was a music video that didn’t feel like it related to the film, but something made for MTV promo and tacked on to the opening credits. I wasn’t grossed out the way I was after seeing Hard Rock Zombies nor did I feel like I drank a large bottle of cough syrup after seeing Vicious Lips. I got a chuckle out of this, but I’ll stay away from that town.

Cobra Woman

I enjoy adventure movies made around the 1940’s and 50’s, especially if set on an island. This one had exiled princesses and reptile cults with despotic queens and a hero/love interest that had no problem talking down to his fiancee, despite her being the heir to the island’s royal family. The costumes and sets were appealing. The action sequences were good, but we could have done without the leading man, focusing on the cult, princess and Sabu Dastagir’s (Sabu’s) character.

The Ice Pirates

I’d seen this in parts before. It follows a formula. Renegade scavengers out for a limited resource, a runaway princess up for ransom and the evil establishment. It was a fun space adventure with a solid performance by Anjelica Houston. I’d absolutely join her crew, especially after that bar fight scene.

Down

This was a crappy movie with an interesting premise, namely that of an evil elevator. I’m claustrophobic and prefer to take the stairs, but this movie did not enhance my elevator wariness. I could attribute this to the cast phoning in performances, but I think it was because this wasn’t an elevator with glass doors…..that show how much higher you’re going….and what will happen if it drops….just something to keep in mind if someone wants to make a monster elevator movie for tubi.

The Pirate Movie

I think this was when I changed clothes and splashed water on my face. Pirate musicals, even self deprecating ones, just don’t do it for me. Was that when I got food?

Warlock III

I want to say this sequel sucks because it lacks Julian Sands as the warlock. While inferior to the first two, it had a solid story of friends turning on the main character in exchange for warlock ‘favors’, the descendent of our warlock, played by Bruce Payne’s foil and potential mother to the demon wreaking hell on earth. There was a spooky New England manse, which I think was shot at Roger Corman’s studio in Ireland, and nasty karmic spells on our cannon fodder. Ashley Laurence was terrific in Hellraiser and did a good job in this movie as well.

Monsters Crash the Pajama Party

I never joined a sorority, but if initiation was in a creepy old mansion….well, I’d spend the night and not join the sorority. Especially since the professors are bent on kidnapping college girls and making monsters. I’d enjoy this at a drive in, or as a short when waiting in line at a horror house at Universal Orlando. Watching this at the fest, I started to realize the dice bag I was knitting might need to be frogged. I dropped stitches and my too thin needles.

The Dragon Lives Again

I knew that there was a slew of martial arts movies following Bruce Lee’s passing. I’ve heard stories of studios casting actors with names like Bruce Li, Bruce Le. This movie took place in varying settings of earth and purgatory as ‘Bruce Lee’ played by Leung Choi-sang, credited as Bruce Leung Siu-Lung for this film, goes to the underworld and meets varying pop culture figures of the 1970s such as Emanuelle and the Godfather? I think they threw in ‘Clint Eastwood’ at some point. That was a weird one, but had good fight sequences.

A Gnome named Gnorm

So, you get Anthony Michael Hall as a painfully incompetent cop who encounters a gem and the gnome in need of retrieving it. He plays grab ass with Claudia Christian’s character. A post Dirty Dancing and pre Law and Order Jerry Orbach did a good job as the harried police captain turned corrupt villain, but that couldn’t save that turd. I was glad this didn’t close off the fest.

Demons

They did the right thing by switching this in the lineup to close the fest. Jake sponsored this and I trust his movie (and driving music!) picks the most. I still regret sleeping through the first part of Demonic Toys….especially after I go to the doll exhibit in a cramped room at Vermont’s Shelburne Museum. You can’t go wrong with Demons as random people get a free ticket to a mysterious movie theater only to get possessed during the movie within the movie with a wrong move. The transformation to a zombie is gruesome and the pacing makes the viewer feel as though you are playing a slimy and bloody game of blob where the last ones standing struggle to stay human until the calvary comes out of nowhere. It was a long road to get to that jeep, but worth it.

And, there we have it. Hopefully I will get to go next year. I promised myself I would sponsor a movie, preferably one where animals go amok…or Cocaine Bear. We all need to see Cocaine Bear. Failing that, I won a few DVD gems at the raffle that I can subject people to…